Control Issues in Relationships: Understanding the Impact
Relationships are a beautiful blend of trust, love, and mutual respect—or at least they should be. But when controlling behavior creeps in, what could be a healthy relationship can quickly spiral into something toxic and damaging. Control issues often manifest subtly at first but can grow into serious emotional abuse over time, affecting self-esteem and overall mental health. Whether it's constant monitoring, making unilateral decisions, or emotional manipulation, control in intimate relationships can wreak havoc on both partners’ well-being.
In this blog post, we’ll dive into the nature of control issues in relationships, how they affect self-esteem, and how to recognize warning signs. We’ll also explore resources in Kansas City for those facing domestic violence and the crucial steps for building healthier relationships.
What Are Control Issues in Relationships?
Control issues in relationships can be defined as a pattern of behavior where one partner tries to dominate or manipulate the other, often through tactics like coercion, criticism, or emotional blackmail. A controlling partner may feel insecure or anxious about the relationship, driving them to manipulate their partner as a way to maintain control.
Control is often mistaken for love or care. You might hear a partner say, "I just want to protect you" or "I’m only doing this because I care," but behind these statements may lie a deep need to control aspects of their partner’s life, from what they wear to who they spend time with.
Control in relationships isn’t just about the obvious stuff like telling someone what to do. It can show up in more insidious ways, such as:
Monitoring: Constantly checking your phone, social media, or whereabouts.
Decision Making: Making major decisions about finances, children, or family members without consulting the partner.
Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt trips, emotional outbursts, or withholding affection to get their way.
Stonewalling: Shutting down communication as a form of punishment when things don’t go their way.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Displaying irrational jealousy and making unfounded accusations about infidelity or disloyalty.
In intimate relationships, it’s important to recognize the difference between protective or caring behavior and controlling behavior. Controlling partners often blur these lines, making it difficult to see the red flags for what they are.
The Impact of a Controlling Partner on Self-Esteem
When control issues persist in a relationship, one of the biggest casualties is self-esteem. Your self-worth can take a massive hit when someone constantly questions your decisions, makes you feel incompetent, or imposes their own needs on you.
In a healthy relationship, both partners support each other’s growth, independence, and emotional well-being. But in relationships where controlling behavior prevails, the affected partner may:
Lose Confidence: When someone is always critiquing your decisions or choices, it's easy to start doubting yourself.
Feel Isolated: A controlling partner may restrict interactions with friends, family members, or even co-workers, isolating you from a supportive network.
Struggle with Anxiety or Depression: Constant worry about how to please the controlling partner can create feelings of anxiety, while being repeatedly told you're "not enough" can lead to depression or low mood.
Experience Attachment Issues: The constant need to appease a controlling partner can distort your attachment style, leading to anxious or avoidant attachment in future relationships.
Feel Unlovable: Emotional abuse and control can make you feel as if you’re not worthy of love or respect, further damaging your self-esteem.
For anyone who has been in an intimate relationship where control was a key factor, rebuilding self-esteem is a vital part of the healing process. Developing healthy boundaries and recognizing that you are deserving of a loving and supportive relationship is essential.
Warning Signs of Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Early detection of control issues in a relationship is crucial. While it’s easy to dismiss small controlling actions as quirks or signs of affection, over time these behaviors can become more pervasive and damaging. Here are some red flags to watch out for in intimate relationships:
Constant Criticism: A controlling partner may frequently criticize your appearance, decisions, or abilities, making you feel small and incapable.
Jealousy: While a little jealousy is normal, irrational and extreme jealousy is a major red flag.
Monitoring: A partner who feels the need to constantly check on you through your phone, social media, or location is exhibiting controlling behavior.
Gaslighting: This form of emotional abuse occurs when a controlling partner makes you question your reality, memory, or perceptions.
Isolation: A controlling partner may try to limit your interactions with family members or friends to ensure they have more control over you.
Stonewalling: Using silence as a way to punish or control the other person.
Financial Control: Controlling partners may take control of the household finances, restricting your access to money.
These behaviors often escalate over time, which is why it's so important to address them early on. If your partner's behavior triggers feelings of anxiety, worry, or depression, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
How Control Issues Affect Mental Health
When you're in a relationship plagued by controlling behavior, it’s not just your self-esteem that suffers—your mental health is at risk too. Constant manipulation, emotional abuse, and control can lead to a host of mental health issues, including:
Anxiety: Worrying about what will trigger your partner’s controlling tendencies can lead to constant anxiety.
Depression: Over time, feeling powerless and unloved in a relationship can lead to depression, affecting your mood and overall outlook on life.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): In extreme cases of intimate partner violence, individuals may experience symptoms of PTSD, including flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance.
Fight or Flight Response: When dealing with a controlling partner, the body’s natural response to stress—either fight or flight—can be triggered frequently, leaving you constantly on edge.
A healthy relationship should help alleviate stress, not add to it. If you find yourself feeling more anxious, depressed, or isolated because of your partner’s behavior, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong.
What is a Controlling Relationship?
A controlling relationship is characterized by one partner’s consistent efforts to dominate or manipulate the other. While this behavior doesn’t always cross the line into physical abuse, it can still be incredibly harmful. The controlling partner often seeks to exert power by making decisions for the other person, limiting their freedom, and enforcing their own rules.
Some common signs of a controlling relationship include:
Jealousy and Possessiveness: A controlling partner may constantly question who you're with, where you’re going, or who you're texting, often using jealousy as a justification for their actions.
Isolation: They might discourage you from seeing friends or family members, or make you feel guilty for spending time with anyone but them. The goal is to limit your support network and make you dependent on them.
Monitoring Behavior: Controlling partners often keep tabs on your phone, social media accounts, or whereabouts. They may ask for constant updates or insist on tracking your location.
Decision-Making: In a controlling relationship, one partner often makes most of the decisions, from what you eat to how you spend money. Your opinions or preferences are frequently dismissed.
Emotional Manipulation: They may use tactics like guilt trips, silent treatment, or withholding affection to get their way. This can leave you feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
A key aspect of controlling behavior is that it’s often disguised as love or concern. Statements like “I just want to keep you safe” or “I’m only doing this because I care about you” are common, making it harder for the victim to recognize the controlling behavior for what it is. While control may not always involve physical violence, it can have a significant emotional and psychological impact, affecting self-esteem and mental health.
What is an Abusive Relationship?
While controlling behavior is a red flag, an abusive relationship takes things a step further, involving more explicit and harmful behavior. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or financial, and the key characteristic is that it involves intentional harm, intimidation, or coercion by one partner to maintain power over the other.
Here are some common signs of an abusive relationship:
Physical Violence: This can include hitting, slapping, kicking, or any form of physical harm. Even threats of physical violence can constitute abuse.
Emotional and Verbal Abuse: Abusive partners often use insults, belittling comments, or threats to undermine your confidence and self-worth. They may call you names, make you feel stupid, or humiliate you in front of others.
Sexual Abuse: In an abusive relationship, one partner may force or coerce the other into sexual activity against their will. Consent is either ignored or manipulated, which can have severe psychological consequences.
Financial Control: In some cases, an abuser will take control of the finances, preventing the victim from having access to money. This financial dependency can make it difficult to leave the relationship.
Intimidation and Threats: An abusive partner may use threats to control your behavior, whether they’re threatening physical violence, public humiliation, or even harm to your loved ones.
In abusive relationships, the abusive partner often uses fear as a tool to maintain control. Victims of abuse may feel trapped, anxious, and fearful for their safety, and they often blame themselves for the situation. Abusers may also use manipulation and gaslighting—making you doubt your perception of reality—to maintain power.
Key Differences Between Controlling and Abusive Relationships
While controlling and abusive relationships share similarities—both involve one partner trying to dominate the other—the main difference lies in the level of harm and intention behind the behavior.
Harm vs. Control:
A controlling relationship may not involve explicit harm, but rather a constant effort to manage and dominate the other partner’s life.
In an abusive relationship, there is intentional harm inflicted—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. Abuse is about causing pain and fear, not just control.
Intensity and Escalation:
Controlling behavior might start off subtle and escalate over time. It often builds gradually, with minor demands or restrictions that become more invasive.
Abusive behavior, on the other hand, often involves severe and immediate consequences, like physical harm or intense emotional degradation. Abuse tends to escalate quickly, especially when the abuser feels they’re losing control.
Fear as a Tactic:
In controlling relationships, fear may not be a primary tactic, though there can be fear of disappointing or angering the partner.
In abusive relationships, fear is a major weapon. Victims may feel constantly afraid for their safety or well-being, making it harder to leave the relationship.
Legal and Safety Implications:
While controlling behavior is unhealthy and emotionally damaging, it might not always be legally actionable.
Abusive relationships often involve actions that are illegal—such as physical violence, sexual assault, or severe emotional abuse—warranting legal intervention and protection.
Recognizing When Control Becomes Abuse
It’s important to recognize that many controlling relationships can escalate into abusive ones. What starts as seemingly “protective” or “concerned” behavior can evolve into something more harmful if left unchecked. Here are some warning signs that controlling behavior is turning into abuse:
Physical Threats or Acts of Violence: If a partner’s controlling behavior begins to involve physical intimidation or harm, the relationship has likely crossed into abuse.
Increased Isolation: If the controlling partner is pushing you further away from friends, family, or support networks, it’s a sign that they want to exert more control over your life.
Gaslighting and Manipulation: Abusers often make their victims doubt their perception of reality, making you feel like you’re overreacting or being irrational.
Escalating Emotional Abuse: Controlling behavior that includes regular criticism, belittling comments, or verbal attacks may eventually become more overt emotional abuse.
What You Can Do If You’re in a Controlling or Abusive Relationship
If you recognize that you’re in a controlling or abusive relationship, it’s important to seek help. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationships, and there are resources available to support you.
Talk to a Therapist: Therapy can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, recognize patterns of control or abuse, and develop strategies for leaving an unhealthy situation.
Reach Out to Trusted Friends or Family: Isolation is a common tactic in controlling or abusive relationships, so reaching out to people who care about you can help rebuild your support system.
Seek Legal or Professional Help: If you are in an abusive relationship, contact local domestic violence shelters, hotlines, or legal professionals who can help you create a safety plan and potentially seek protective orders.
Kansas City Resources for Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence
If you’re in a relationship where controlling behavior has escalated to emotional or physical abuse, it’s important to know that help is available. Kansas City has several resources to assist those experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV).
Hope House
Hope House provides shelter, therapy, and advocacy for individuals facing domestic violence. They offer both emergency shelter services and non-residential services, including counseling and court advocacy.Website: Hope House KC
Hotline: 816-461-HOPE (4673)
Rose Brooks Center
Rose Brooks Center offers a range of services for survivors of domestic violence, including emergency shelter, outreach services, counseling, and a hospital-based advocacy program for victims of intimate partner violence.Website: Rose Brooks Center
Hotline: 816-861-6100
Kansas City Anti-Violence Project (KCAVP)
KCAVP provides support services to LGBTQ+ individuals who are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other forms of violence. They offer crisis intervention, support groups, and resources for navigating the legal system.Website: KCAVP
Hotline: 816-561-0550
MOCSA (Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault)
MOCSA works to prevent sexual violence and provides support services for survivors, including therapy and counseling for those affected by intimate partner violence and sexual abuse.Website: MOCSA
Hotline: 816-531-0233
These organizations are just a few of the many resources available in Kansas City to help individuals escape abusive relationships and find the support they need to heal.
Steps to Take for a Healthier Relationship
If you're dealing with a controlling partner or recognizing controlling behaviors within yourself, it’s never too late to make a change. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and communication. Here are some strategies to build or restore these elements:
Establish Healthy Boundaries: Setting clear, healthy boundaries is essential in any relationship. Communicate openly about what behaviors are unacceptable, and ensure that both partners have the freedom to express their needs.
Communicate Effectively: Honest and open communication is key. Don’t be afraid to express your concerns about controlling behavior, but be prepared for your partner to push back. Stay calm, but firm, in discussing your feelings.
Develop Coping Skills: If you’re in a controlling relationship, developing coping skills to manage anxiety, depression, or stress can help you maintain your mental well-being. Therapy, mindfulness, and journaling are all great tools.
Seek Therapy: If control issues are deeply rooted, working with a therapist can help both partners address underlying issues like trust, attachment style, or past trauma. Counseling can help you both develop healthier relationship patterns.
Recognize When It’s Time to Walk Away: Unfortunately, not all relationships can be saved. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their controlling behavior or if emotional or physical abuse is present, it may be time to walk away for your own safety and mental health.
Conclusion: You Deserve a Healthy Relationship
Control issues can take a serious toll on intimate relationships, self-esteem, and mental health. Whether you’re experiencing subtle signs of controlling behavior or facing overt emotional abuse, it’s crucial to address these issues before they escalate. A healthy relationship is one where both partners feel respected, loved, and supported. If your relationship doesn't reflect these qualities, it may be time to seek help, either through therapy or by reaching out to local Kansas City resources.
Remember, everyone deserves a relationship where they feel valued and free. If you're dealing with control issues, know that you’re not alone—and that there is hope for a better, healthier future.
Other Therapy Services Offered at GOKC in Brookside, Kansas City, and throughout MO + Kansas
At gokc, we offer a range of services designed to promote healing and well-being outside of helping you navigate trauma with Trauma Therapy in Kansas City, MO. Our services include DBT Treatment, Online Therapy, Therapy for Self-Esteem, and EMDR for Trauma Recovery. Additionally, we offer Art Therapy, PTSD Treatment, Nature Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing. Whether you're looking to address specific mental health issues or seeking a deeper connection with yourself, gokc can help you!
